And Then There Was 40

If someone would have told me 10 or 20 years ago that 40 would be on of my best years, I would have laughed...relentlessly.  I mean, isn't there a reason why they sell stuffed vultures and black crepe paper for those middle-aged parties?  Give out diapers and Geritol as party favors?  And, yes, I do see the effects of my years slowly creeping in.  The gray hair is starting to sprout from the top of my head.  My bedtime is now well before midnight (you're talking to the person who used to stay up until 3AM and then sleep until noon).  My knees are starting to click when I go up the stairs.  I do laundry on Friday nights...and enjoy it.

But what people fail to tell you about 40 is that you've come to a point in your life where you have settled more and more into who you are, where you stand, and what you will not stand for.  That's not to say I have it all figured out.  I don't.  And I'm not sure I want to.  My life, for me, should have constant room for growth, development, and pushing myself into new directions. 

And 40 was certainly a year for just that.

This past year I signed up for two photography classes (thanks, Dwight!) and began to explore life beyond the lens.

This year I submitted my play for publication (after seven years of having it sit idly on my computer).  My fingers are crossed that good news will soon come my way.  

This year my boyfriend proposed to me after three years of dating, and yes, this is my first time being married.  I will be the first to admit that I made some poor choices when it came to the guys I dated.  But, the older I got, the more confident I grew.  And with that confidence came an understanding of who I was, what I wanted, and what I would not settle for.  Just when I had reached the point where I had made that discovery, my fiancee entered into it.  The timing was finally right.  And I said yes.

This year we are building a home together, just as we will begin building our lives together...a brick at a time, a step at a time, with a solid foundation to hold us up.

So, yeah, I might be over-the-hill to some...but I'm flying down that hill and looking for the next one to climb.  And I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.

41...I'm ready...let's see what you got.


    

The Professor Wants to Know...

I was playing around on my computer tonight researching female playwrights for my upcoming drama course this fall when I found myself reading through articles about new plays, new terms (such as the "angry young woman" borrowing from John Osbourne's "angry young man" of the late 50s), and new faces.  And, once again, I was reminded that it has been some time since I have sat down and written a full-length play.

Poetry has always been my "go to" place when I write, but lately, writing has taken a backseat to my photography.  To remedy that, I'm starting up a new project this summer with some friends, and I am excited about the possibilities that can arise out of it.

I've always loved working collaboratively with fellow artists, and in fact, tonight I stumbled across an old photograph from grad school:

Every Thursday night there was a reading for graduate students to feature their work, and on this night, a few of us decided to experiment with our reading.  Two of us read poetry, one of us composed music to accompany the words, and the other created a visual image as the reading transpired.

As busy as we all were writing our dissertations, juggling teaching, grading papers, meeting with students, meeting with our committees, we still found time to create.  And I loved every minute of it.  There was no impending pressure to publish, to write, to perform.  We just did.  And it was magical.

Seven years later, I am struggling to find that same balance, and what I thought was an individual issue turns out to be a recurring theme among some of these very people that I once collaborated with.  I'd actually like to explore this further with some of you.

I'm curious...for those of you who have been an adjunct or instructor, do you find yourself more or less prolific since your graduate school days?   Do you think that there is a difference between non-tenured and tenured track in this regard?  Are there gender issues at play, or is it common across the board?  If you are recently graduating, will you move away from academia or seek it out?  Why?

Me: Plain and Simple

My original intention with The 40 Project was to check items off my list on a monthly basis and write about the experience...then the fall semester got underway, and I fell off the blog wagon.  I know speaking to fellow college instructors that this is our constant battle -- how to effectively balance teaching and be active with our own work/research/writing.

We are still looking for answers. 

What I want to focus on today is that I am continuing to go outside of my comfort zone and take part in activities that I've always wanted to do, but for one reason or another, have yet to accomplish.  Yesterday was one of those days.  When a friend of mine put a call out for actors, I jumped at the opportunity to take part in a short film project.  Even though film is one of my major areas of study, I 've never been an actor in a film.  I knew how different the process would be from my time on stage, but I never really thought about everything the process itself entailed.  And I loved it.  I loved the lights' heat on my face, the stills adding up to a final, fluid movement, the close ups.

Ah, the close ups.

There was a noticeable issue there, and it just comes with age.  For some, it's gray hair.  For others, it's complexion.  For me, it's those pockets that have formed under my eyes.  The bags.  The "try this product to reduce swelling, and then when that doesn't work, spend your money on this other product, because we guarantee that this, along with extensive Photoshopping, will get rid of those incessant bags."  I've tried it all.  Every roll-on ball with gels, lotions, and pastes.  Cortisone, Preparation H (yep...you know you've heard that, too), ice packs...need I go on?  (If you've kept up with my Facebook posts or heard me tell this story, you'll even remember the time I went to see a doctor about a sinus infection and he looked at me, pointed to my eyes, and asked, "What's going on there?")  There was finally a make-up artist who came over with concealer and powder and did her best to hide my imperfection.

We'll see how it turns out in the final edit.

On the way home (the entire 45 minutes home), I thought about how women's physical flaws are often pointed out.  It's nothing new, and we've heard it all before.  But I also thought about how I could respond to this.  What is my reaction going to be?

Here's what I decided:

When I teach issues of gender in the classroom, I ask my students, "If we know that the images that we are barraged with on a daily basis are not real, are unattainable, why do we continue to strive for this false ideal?"  Yesterday, the tables were turned, and I was the one in search of an answer.  I realized that the real problem is not that I have bags under my eyes.  The real problem is that we do not see this often enough in our image-driven culture.

While some may choose to see external bags, redness on the cheeks, or un-brushed hair, I choose to celebrate what the external holds.  My face carries a lifetime of experiences, and I've earned every line on my face.  One of things I know for sure, what is truly important, exists beyond the face, and those who hold the most significance in my life, celebrate that fact with me every day. 

Plain and simple.

Artistic Resuscitation

Four score and a couple of blogs ago, I was in a bit of an artistic funk.  Despite a dear friend telling me just to "be creative again," the wall was up and wouldn't budge. 

The longer I'm not creative, the more time I spend away from expressing myself in that way, the more I feel a sense of loss.  Even though I was far from the mood, I forced myself to get back "out there" and do something.  After all, this year is supposed to be the year I reach out of my comfort zone and explore different avenues, possibilities, and opportunities.

Last week, I was talking to some theater students after class, telling them how I missed being on the stage.  They told me to check out the theater department and try to get involved again (simple, and yet, it was something I had shied away from).  Right after class, I decided to go to our theater department's website.  I read through various profiles and chose one professor that I could talk to.  I wasn't entirely sure what the discussion was going to be about.  I mean, I had some general ideas about getting back on stage, maybe seeing my play produced professionally, etc., but the plan was just to move forward...with anything creative.  We did meet for lunch just a few days later, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an upcoming production of my work.  But really, it just felt good to "talk theater" again.

Tonight was no different.  I had the privilege of driving a visiting professor to dinner.  His specialization is in both Augusto Boal's Theatre of the Oppressed and in LGBT young adult lit.  The connection makes perfect sense, but it is not one I had previously made.  I have taught Boal to my underclassmen before, and on separate occasions I have taught LGBT drama and film.  What excited me is that there is still room for exploration on the stage that has yet to be discovered.  Why do we have films, TV shows, and plays about the LGBT community but little, if any, that deal directly with, and feature, the youth?  Simply put, it's the controversy that surrounds this subject matter.  It's alive and well.  But the possibilities...the possibilities are, too.

I don't know what will come out of either of these meetings.  What I do know is that the wall is finally beginning to budge.

Roses for Bobby C

I've often told friends of mine that I have a hard time remembering my teachers during my time as an undergraduate student; this is not the case when it comes to graduate school.

I learned today that one of my former professors, Dr. Barbara Cicardo, passed away.

Now, Dr. Cicardo was a pretty amazing woman.  It seemed that she had read just about everything, and her memory was unlike anything I've ever seen.  Unless I've read a book more than once or taught it, I'm lucky if I can detail the plot for you a few months later.  But Dr. Cicardo could remember what she read during elementary school and tell you details as if she had just closed the cover...well into her 70's. 

I took a few classes with Dr. Cicardo to prepare myself for my early American literature comprehensive exam.  One such class was on the American Eve, an interesting study in women's roles in 18th and early 19th century texts.  The class was once a week for three hours.  Filling up a three-hour lecture is no easy task; but if you were Barbara Cicardo, this was done with ease.  Not even laryngitis stopped her.  One night she actually wrote the lecture on the board in between whispers. 

If you needed to stop into her office, her door was always open.  Joke was, you would need to pencil in about an hour of your time.  She wouldn't just want to talk to you about literature.  She'd want to talk to you about life in general.  About her sister.  About her youth.  About her day.

A handful of graduate students affectionately called her Bobby C., but you knew better than to address her as anything other than Dr. Cicardo in class and in the hallways.  She told us that she had earned her title and she was proud of it.

So, Dr. Cicardo, here's to you.  I hope my career in academia lasts the length of yours, and I thank you for the time you dedicated to us over the years.

Youth

 

Age

 

Beauty

 

 

Artistic Insecurity

Tonight I found myself googling:  "artists and insecurity."  Yep.  I'm having one of those days.  And it led me to wonder how people overcome this, because I know I'm not alone.  One blogger posed the question:

"...to what extent [does] insecurity drive creativity, and when [does] insecurity actually undermine creativity"? (Ross).

I know the "when" answer to the latter part of that question...what I am still searching for is a solution to the "how."  (Love the line in The Beatles song "Something" when George sings, "You know I believe in how.")  How it undermines creativity is that it can stop it from happening altogether.  Now...how do you fix that...stop that from taking hold? 

I am surrounded by truly talented and overwhelmingly productive artists, and somewhere in that space, I question my own creative movement(s)...slow...and resting.

So...I welcome your thoughts. 

The 40 Project

 
So...last week in my 30's is fast approaching.  Instead of having a midlife crisis, I decided to embrace this new decade by trying a bit of an ongoing experiment.

Here's my plan:

For every month in my 40th year, I will do something that pushes me out of my comfort zone.  I want this year to be less about buzzards, black streamers, and Geritol and more about living my life to the fullest  (I'm ignoring the fact that AARP sent me a membership form in the mail this week).  I thought it would be fun to document the events before/during/after they occur on my blog, and I invite anyone else to join in no matter what your age. 

Now, my ideas may not seem as crazy as jumping out of an airplane (unless I am attached to someone who has decades of experience and you have given me ample Valium), but the point is to have fun and to be aware of life's possibilities.

So far, I only have a couple months preplanned:

August:  Get a haircut that normally would scare the bejesus out of me.  This one takes me all the way back to junior high when I got the infamous "perm from hell."  If you knew me back then, you know which one I'm talking about....the one that received comments like:  Did you stick your finger in a socket, Is that a wig, etc.  (FYI, I've told more than one person you couldn't pay me a million dollars to return to age 12-13.)  Since then, I tend to stay in my hair comfort zone.  Every time I see something a little edgy that I want to try, I get the guts until I get into the hairdresser's chair.  This time...this time I'm taking the plunge.  (My mother has already informed me she dislikes this idea...I'd say I'm not off to a good start, but this is not an uncommon occurrence.)  Here's the plan...minus the blond color:

September:  Cook something out of a cookbook that requires more than 4-5 ingredients and serve it to willing test subjects.  (Mama's Pizza is just down the street in case of emergency.)

October:  A DIY project...now that I know what DIY means.

More to come...let The 40 Project begin!